Monday, March 1, 2010

Just an Ordinary Miracle

Honestly, this has nothing to do with Team Canada's Olympic gold medal win over the U.S. yesterday. You really think I could have written this with the ringing in my ears still?

No really, it doesn’t…this isn’t meant to kick the Americans when they’re down or anything like that. More just a commentary I’ve been considering throughout the entire Olympics, on why every game featuring the U.S. team had to make some mention about the Miracle On Ice, which to the rest of the world really doesn’t seem that miraculous. And that’s not even because we beat the Soviets eight years earlier. Of all sporting moments in the history of sports to honour as the Greatest, ten reasons why the Miracle On Ice should not be anywhere near the top:


Contrary to popular belief, the game did NOT end (or win) the Cold War.

Remember kids, the history books say that the Wall came down in 1989, and the USSR did not dissolve until 1991. The war in Afghanistan was still on, the hostages were still captive in Iran, and Reagan was still denouncing the “Evil Empire” well past Lake Placid. If the win came at the 1992 Olympics, that would have been one thing. But perestroika was still a ways away.

The Red Army was NOT crushed.

It may have been one thing for the 1980 team to bring down the Big Red Machine that ran roughshod over Olympic opponents for the past 30 years, finally ending the massive dynasty and giving other countries a chance to finally compete. However, the loss, while crushing to the USSR, was just a blip in their near-flawless Olympic record, as they still went on to medals in 84, 88 and 92, they did not lose another game (at all!) for 5 years following, and the US could not beat them until 1991. It may have been a Miracle, but it was one hell of a quick one.

Another reason to cheer…

Perhaps the game only became infamous not so much for its result, but for the legacy it left behind…the vaunted “U-S-A!” cheer. How this concept was not thought up before this game, who knows, but it has become a staple since, for a vast smorgasbord of valued Americans, from the Dream Team to George W. Bush to Hulk Hogan. Could it be that this game is more endeared for the inception of this patriotic chant than the result itself?

Even with the Miracle, the Soviets still could have won gold.

Olympic hockey tournaments, at their core, are about as organized as ranking the NCAA bowl games. The tournament format seems to change every 4 years (even this year’s tournament was vastly different to 2006), and 1980 was no different. Instead of an elimination round to determine medals, the top four teams in the tournament played a round robin (including games from the qualification tournament!), with the highest ranked team at the end taking gold. So, even with the US’ improbable victory, the US would have still settled for silver had they lost their final game to Finland, as the USSR thumped Sweden 9-2 to finish the tournament with 4 points. Luckily for the US, their 4-2 win put them over the top with 5 points, and gold.

The Soviet starting goalie was not even in net.

Not to say that this is the fault of the American team, but a puzzling decision by the Soviet coach to pull future Hall Of Famer Vladislav Tretiak for backup Vladimir Myshkin at the start of the second period had a huge implication on how this game turned out…namely, Johnson and Eruzione may have never gotten those fateful goals. While the Soviet coach, Viktor Tikhonov, later admitted that pulling Tretiak was the biggest mistake of his life, this does not change the fact that the Americans’ fortunes greatly changed with this error. To act like the giant was slayed without Tretiak in goal would be like gloating you defeated the Bulls when Michael Jordan was playing for the White Sox.

Only few saw it live…and they had to watch it from Canada.

Turns out NBC isn’t quite as boneheaded as everyone assumed for hesitating to air both Canada vs. USA games from these past Olympics live…because they are simply following in the traditions of the past. The game aired three hours behind just to air it in prime time, and the only ones who could watch it live had to steal the signal from across the border. What does that tell you for national interest?

No major drama.

Unlike yesterday’s overtime thriller, or so many thrillers across the spectrum of sports history (and especially American sports history), there was no wild finish to this game. Sure, the Soviets had pressure on Jim Craig, but it wasn’t a wild scramble for a goal, there was no spectacular diving save, no major clearing effort by the Americans. The Soviets didn’t even pull their goalie for extra pressure. It was an exciting finish because of the result, obviously, but not a heart-pounding wind-down that the hype behind this game truly warranted. Paul Henderson’s goal, it was not. And it was especially not as dramatic because…

It was NOT a medal game.

None of the wild appeal of the gold on the line, none of the drama of having best in the world on the line. It was more of a wild card race than anything else, having to scramble between two separate games to see who won, who lost, and whose point balance was higher at the end of the day before medals were slotted. Obviously the system in place now is much better, but it’s a bit melodramatic to declare the greatest sports moment in American history…and then wait two days for the team to still have to play for a gold. You think it would be as huge if they LOST to Finland and settled for Bronze?

Best of all time? REALLY?

In the ESPN Top 100 Memorable Moments of the past 25 years poll in 2004, the Miracle On Ice finished at #1. Sports Illustrated called it “The Greatest Sports Moment of the Century.” #1!?! The Greatest!?! Ahead of the Curse Of The Bambino being broken. Ahead of The Immaculate Reception. Ahead of The Play, The Shot, The Thrilla In Manila. For a poll that only featured three hockey moments (the other two being Gretzky breaking Gordie Howe’s scoring record at #52, and Ray Bourque winning the Stanley Cup at #86), it sure seems like quite a leap to embrace a sports moment for a sport so few Americans really care about. Which leads us to…

DO YOU REALLY CARE?

Hockey is Canada’s game; that’s not much to dispute. Much like how Canadians would not dispute that baseball or football are America’s sports. So to see how a nation becomes so enveloped by a moment part of a sport so far outside the national spectre of interest is what is so puzzling to me. Regardless of the fact that NHL highlights come after all other sports under the sun on ESPN (or any other sports show for that matter), the fact that most NHL arenas south of the Mason-Dixon line sit half-full, and the fact that most Americans would have probably preferred a regular-season NFL game to yesterday’s gold medal game, the “Miracle” is still regarded as just that, an almost divine intervention channeled into Mike Eruzione’s stick. When looking at their spectacular athletic history, chock full of incredible moments from baseball, football, basketball, golf, boxing…hockey ends up at the top with no hesitation, no questions asked. Sure, there are some states that are die-hard about hockey, probably more-so than football or baseball, case in point being states like Minnesota, Massachusetts, Michigan and Wisconsin…which ironically enough, comprise of the four states representing the entire 1980 23-man roster. Hardly representative of an American national mosaic. Even the roster from The Mighty Ducks 2 was more diverse than this squad.

This is not to say the game was not a huge moment, because it was. A win over a squad like that should not be undermined by any means. BUT, as I’ve been trying to say, it should not be so over-mined by Americans who so clearly don’t care about the sport outside of one huge game. Hell, Canada beat the US squad at the World Baseball Classic, but you don’t hear us trying to cast Jason Bay and Justin Morneau lookalikes for the movie. It’s one thing for us Canadians to over-hype the Summit Series, because it warrants the hype. It was a back-and-forth, eight game, cross-continental, hard fought series, which went right down to the wire and was won on a wild last-ditch goal. And it was a win at OUR game. Unfortunately most kids in Moscow don’t dream of becoming the next Babe Ruth or Roger Staubach, so the USA had to settle for a victory over their communist enemies on unfamiliar territory, the ice. And while the Olympics are always touted as being untainted by politics (but let’s face it, that’s almost never true), this instance had politics written all over it, and is basically the main reason why it stands so famously this day. The problem with all the other major moments in American sports history is that it is so often Americans playing other Americans; it’s us vs. us (or U.S. vs. U.S.), so rarely US vs. them. So in one of the few cases where it was in fact US vs. them, and U.S. won, it slid right to the top of the chart. Not even other international accomplishments (Jesse Owens in Berlin, Louis vs. Schmeling) could come close to the Miracle; seemingly only a hard-fought football game between NFL stars and the best up-and-comers from the Iraqi combine could top this.

It was a great victory, yes. But the best of all time? Not a chance. It’s a discredit to those who truly achieved greatness to put them lower on the pedestal than the 1980 Olympic team. While a great moment, even a “miracle,” it is eons from the greatest. Stop treating it as if it were an act from God himself, guiding a group of young college kids to defeat the mighty evil Commies. You beat the Russian hockey team, not the Russians. Pitch with a bloody sock, call the shot, win a gold that same day, then we'll talk.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

I'm With Mousav-o

I thought I had this issue pegged in a previous post, but Stuff White People Like nailed it harder on the head than I could have ever dreamed.

Stuff White People Like #131 - Conan O'Brien

I guess this article, besides being a hell of a lot funnier, really nails the issue down on the Iran election controversy, as my initial article was about eight months too early from the Ahma-tweet-ijad issue. While obviously turning Facebook/Twitter/clothing green to show solidarity with Iran, the "movement" could have just as easily been mistaken for a delayed St. Patrick's Day reaction. While there were small patches of protest in Iranian communities in North America and Europe, they reached nowhere near the capacity of those who showed passive support online, as the majority was evidently at home, according to the article, watching Conan O'Brien.

And while the Coco campaign obviously pales in comparison (no pun intended) to the situation that still today is a major issue in Iran, we see the same thing again. While there are small patches of rallies in some American cities, evidently slapping a black-and-white of Conan into your display picture in some way, through the myriad of internet servers and cable that run across America, tell Jeff Zucker in NBC to go fuck himself. Letters (even emails!) or phone calls be damned - let Facebook lead the way!

So once again, to my generation (whatever it is we've decided to call ourselves), kudos to you on continuing to passively protest in this way! What better way to show the man we care by showing we obviously don't care enough to get out of the house! Stand up against oppression/government/NBC? First let's try sitting up!

And for the record, I personally thought Conan was WAY better without Andy Richter, Stuff White People Like. I'd take Joel Godard and his army of Japanese male prostitutes over "Andy'll Try It" any day of the week.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

season's greetings from Mahmoud Ah-"mama-said-knock-you-out"-ijad!

We all know just how hard most of the Muslim political world works to try and ignore Israel as a nation like a giant white kosher elephant. Most Middle Eastern nations refuse to acknowledge Israeli-stamped passports, recognize Israel even within the confines of the U.N., or do not allow a foreign embassy in the Holy Land.

But when Iran panicked for accidentally sending the Israeli soccer federation a Happy New Year email (which they meant to send to every global soccer body except Israel), it seemed to be pushing the envelope.

But the Football Federation of Iran pushed well further, so much so that federation spokesman (and the fateful emailer) Mohammad Mansour Azimzadeh Ardebili actually resigned from his post, from such shame he apparently brought on to his nation.

Such a crime this mistaken email was in Iran, that it cost a man his job. There is even the possibility he could face criminal charges, for something along the lines of promoting official business to a "non-existent" country or something like that. All the while, while still sending out season's greetings to the other 207 FIFA members, which still include us no-good allies in Canada, the United States, Great Britain, and so on...even those no-good Holocaust-admitting Germans are on the list!

But, the joke's on you Iran: the Jewish new year isn't even until September! And I'll bet you even wished them a happy 2010, didn't you?!?

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

the happiest ending of all

As someone who works in marketing, and not to sound too pompous, but would consider himself more ad-savvy than the average consumer in terms of getting sucked into promotional campaigns, I must admit, I found myself with my credit card in my hand to purchase a Handjob...and I didn't even have to buy her dinner first!

Obviously not what it looks like, but this is in fact the hottest as-seen-on-TV product this side of the Slap Chop dude...and not even he could have beaten one out of that lady-friend of his he got charged for.

The product is obviously ridiculous, but the plan is to have viral push the product...and obviously it is working like a charm. You can be sure loved ones across the world will be waking up to Handjobs early on Christmas morning, so they can give and receive convenient handjobs time and time again.

And as for my purchase...I held off in the meantime, only really out of fear what the labelling looks like. I may already be on the Canada Border Services blacklist as it is, but this would certainly push me over the top, no?

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Ingrid Newkirk is like my uncle

...in that, like that one uncle we all have, that we share that special love/hate relationship with; at times we want to kill them for being so ridiculous...while other times we love them so unconditionally, we want to hug them and never let go.

Right about now, I'm feeling the latter.

Newkirk's PETA has come out with new ads to promote pet adoption, featuring model, Playboy covergirl and uber-hottie Joanna Krupa wearing nothing but her birthday suit, covering up with a very strategically placed cross, in atypical controversial PETA fashion.

While there is a bit of a corny headline featured, and an awfully-Photoshopped (yet creepy-looking) barrage of puppies sitting below her, the ad seems to have little to nothing to do with animal rights in general, and seems almost more like just a rip on Christianity. And it worked like a charm, as the Catholic League is up in arms over the ad, even though Krupa herself is a known Christian, and she is at least featured with halo and cross...it's not like she's peeing on Jesus or anything!

But outside of the general shock value of getting people to consider PETA's message, this ad seems a tad misleading. Sure, PETA wants to push the envelope, but why in this way of all ways? Why not attack actual opponents of the group? The big meat companies? Michael Vick?

I am all for pushing the envelope...when the circumstances call for it. But in this case, PETA stepped beyond thinking outside the box, and just simply went outside the box.

That being said, however, the visual content of the ad is a whole different story...

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

no Billy Goat, no Bambino...what's our curse?

As a lifelong Toronto Maple Leafs fan, I have almost certainly described the Buds in every way imaginable. Whether praising them as the greatest, or calling them a bunch of lazy assholes when their penalty kill fails (which I seem to be doing more often as of late), I, like thousands of other Leaf fans, call them the works.

But I never thought I'd have to call them losers.

Not losers in the literal sense...because let's face it, they are losers in every literal sense of the word.

But this is more like the loser you knew in high school: the one who thought his shit didn't stink, who was the coolest guy in school...until he decided to throw a party, and nobody came. The loser who acted like everybody was his best friend, everybody loved him, when in fact almost nobody did.

That's our Leafs!

The new ad campaign for the Leafs this year has focused on the phrase "Spirit Is Everything," trying to capture the spirit and tradition of the Leafs to attract apparently the few millions the Leafs haven't already managed to suck out of a struggling city. But apparently the GTA, or even Ontario, is not enough, as these TV, radio and even sidewalk(!) ads have been broadcast across the country...declaring the Leafs as Canada's team. Oh, Taxi 2, I had such high hopes for you...what's Taxi 1 been up to lately?

Now, while it is true that up until NHL expansion in 1967, when Canada only had the Leafs or the Montreal Canadiens, a good chunk of Canada were behind the Leafs; anyone west of Ontario, or just against French Canadians, were virtually an automatic Leafs fan. But now in an era when Canada has had 8 total teams in five provinces play across this great land, the fact that the Leafs consider themselves so loved, when they are basically the exact opposite, is almost laughable.

(And while it shouldn't be rocket science that non-Ontarians obviously don't bleed blue and white, I got to learn firsthand through my website Colberta.com this past fall just how much the rest of Canada hates our Leafs - in fact, I got more hate mail from Albertans over the fact I support Leafs Nation than over the actual concept of me orchestrating a takeover of Alberta by Stephen Colbert!)

Is this some sort of desperate ploy by the Leafs, to try and expand their fanbase into hostile territory? Are they so strapped for cash (they're not) that they need to look beyond the Greater Toronto Area for some affection? Is their ownership so desperate for attention (they are) that they actually need to advertise the most impossible ticket in town up and down Yonge Street?

You are pouting to a city very upset with you, Maple Leaf Sports & Ent Ltd. Inc. whatever whatever...first you run our team into the ground, still manage to raise ticket prices to even higher astronomical levels, trade away our next two first rounders for WHO?, and now have the audacity to waste more money advertising to a market that clearly despises us - we declare ourselves Hockeytown for decades, and Brian Burke even today declared T.O. the "centre of the hockey universe."

So why wouldn't a family from Kenora want to make the trip and plunk down $2000 to stay in a downtown hotel, pay our now $15-per-ride subway, and watch Vesa Toskala pull another muscle joint?

Quit the bullshit, Leafs - stick to organizing your hockey team first, then worry about your P.R. Because no spin doctor in the universe will be able to justify year after year of losing (and not failing to win the Cup - I mean LOSING) before heads start to roll at MLSE.

We know you thought you were cool, we really do...but as you can see, nobody's interested.


For us Torontonians, spirit is nothing - RESULTS are everything.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

ich bin ein jackass

BERLIN – Irish rockers U2 returned to Berlin for a free mini-concert Thursday in front of the Brandenburg Gate, playing its classic singles and a duet with Jay-Z even as the show was obscured from public view by a nearly 6-1/2-foot (two-meter) high metal barrier.

Performing in front of the wall symbolizing over 50 years of brutal communist oppression, on its anniversary of collapsing...by performing to a crowd gated within a 6 1/2 foot...WALL.

Nice work, dumbasses.